I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
