I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
