Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
