I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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