i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
