There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
