pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
