I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
