So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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