took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
There's always time for handjobs
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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