tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
