i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Acid is not a monday night drug
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
