The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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