i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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