there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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