i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
