I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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