I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
