Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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