Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize