you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
