so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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