she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
