Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
this just has baby written all over it
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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