yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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