On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
