my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize