somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
