how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
