you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
