I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
