4 words: hood of his car
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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