I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Houston, we have a squirter
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
