they need to just BURY HIM!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
