Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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