I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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