Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
