someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
