the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
