Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
