i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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