I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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