mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You made out with two different species that night
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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