Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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