I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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