You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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