I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
