My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I think my moral compass just broke
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
