Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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