If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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