Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize