Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
