I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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