my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
