Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
