I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
