Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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