Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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