booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
