What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I need to align my fucking chakras
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
