your thong is hanging out like whoa
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
