who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How does it feel to date your dad?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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