If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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