I must be too annoying 4 u.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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