Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
