I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
