There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Dick very happy bro
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
